Scott Duncan
RELEVANT:
Purse Animals
So I was sitting on a train next to a woman with a mangy rug in her purse. Fair enough, I sometimes inadvertently stick items in my purse which later confuse me. So, to each her own taste.
But on closer examination I realized it was a fattish, big-breasted woman accompanied by a mangy rug with what appeared to be eyes, ears and mouth sticking out of the container. The rug stirs and is fed some french fries. This would make it the first carpeted AI, or a small quadriped, possibly incapable of independent locomotion. Ah yes, the animal in a handbag.
I just don't understand the 'animal in a handbag' craze. The fact that it has been around for some years now and popularized by celebrity endorsement still makes it somewhat incomprehensible to me. Why would you carry an animal like a fashion accessory? What first made breeders think a tiny useless animal which needs to be ported like one's lunch would be the next pet rock, which by the way I also found retarded. On the way out the door, grabbing your suitcased-sized carry-all, you think to yourself, "Lipstick, brush, keys, wallet, and oh yes, incomprehensibly ugly animal...check, check, check, check and check."
A conversation starts between the rug woman and the woman across the aisle. Woman number two is asking about the size, weight and pedigree of the pursekin. It is a purebred, what does Scott call it, "What's the fucking point?" Woman number two appears fascinated and would like to purchase one of these fine animals for her daughter. By a stroke of good fortune, the fattish, big-breasted woman is a professional "dog" breeder (presumably overseer of dog breeding and not an active participant). As she extolls the virtues of this fine, um, specimen, we learn that it is fully grown, very docile, has a small mouth with pointy teeth leading it to have somewhat unpleasant (read putrid -- as I said it was beside me) breath, and is on its way to the pet groomer (holy crap is this an understated requirement!). And all this can be yours for the purchase price of $1500.00 and a tote bag.
Well there you have it. The perfect companion. Dirty, unkempt, smelly breath, little or no motion, accomplishing nothing and eating french fries. Under certain circumstances may crap randomly in your purse. I guess there's nothing left but to <insert your own marriage joke here>.